Mixed Emotions

I sit here with a heavy heart and mixed emotions. I can't sleep because I can't seem to shut my mind down. I received a call from my mother yesterday morning telling me that I needed to go up to the hospital to see my Aunt Arlene as it wouldn't be to much longer and she would not be with us any longer. She has cancer and has had it for many years. She has been through so many treatments and been in remission so many times I have lost count. She always was in good spirits and smiles. Even while visiting with her yesterday afternoon she looked so frail and in pain, despite being on morphine, she was smiling and asking each and every visitor how they were and that she was fine so don't worry about her.

This is my fathers last surviving sister and when she passes there will only be the two youngest brothers left and one of them is not doing that well either. I come from a very big family on both sides and its slowly dwindling down of the older generation. I realize I am getting older which means they are getting older also but I just am not ready to not have them around.

I have many many wonderful memories of my aunt. This was the aunt who always had baked goodies for us kids. She is the one who made the wonderful, beautiful cakes for everyone's birthdays, showers, weddings, anniversaries etc. I can't remember a time there not being a cake or two in the process of being decorated for one occasion or another. Although it never failed whenever my father had a piece of these cakes he would always end up with a toothpick in it that was used for support. She used to laugh at him and say she gave him that particular piece because she was getting him back for his consistent teasing when they were younger. He would laugh back and then smack her on the rear end.

Her oldest daughter Barb and I are the same age and we used to play together all the time as they lived in the same neighborhood while we were growing up. We both just knew that we would grow up baking/decorating just like her mom, but...oh we both can bake but come no where close to what she could do. Even though we would both sit for hours and watch her do what she did and even try our hands at it from time to time when she would give us leftover pieces of cake to practice. I can remember there being every color under the rainbow of frosting in bowls in her refrigerator just waiting for the next creation. She would take some of that frosting and put it on graham crackers and give it to us for treats. I actually to this day prefer that over cookies. I think its more the wonderful memories then anything else.

The above picture was taken last June at my granddaughter graduation party. Its of her and her younger brother Wayne. My wonderful best friend Deana's husband took pictures for me and I was able to get my family together. I wanted this picture taken as I was afraid even at that time it might be one of the last times we all got together and had the opportunity to have this done. You can't really tell in this picture but she was going through treatments at this time but made sure she came to the party. She always made sure she was there for any get together no matter how she felt and she always had a smile. I made copies of this picture and another one and gave it to her at the family reunion on July 4th. She cried and said thank you and she couldn't remember the last time she and her brother had a picture taken of them together. I wasn't aware of that fact. I hugged her and told her I was glad to do have it done and happy to give her this picture to cherish.

It's 3:30am and I really need to get some sleep but it evades me and it's going to be along day. I am trying to stay positive and think happy thoughts because that is what she wants. She says she is ready and is looking forward to seeing her sister, brothers and parents who are waiting for her. I told her I understood and that when she does go and is greeted by her family, to especially give my father a big hug for me.