I Must learn Patience

Well its 4:08am and I have tossed and turned since around midnight. I have so much on my mind. I went to my appt. Wed afternoon. First of all my appt. was for 3:30p but I didn't get into the room till 5p then waited for doc to come in which was around 5:30p. I should have known then that things would not go as I had hoped. The doc gave me all my test results. He said everything looked wonderful except for my EKG came back with abnormalities, and my chest xray showed an enlarged heart. Now he said not to panic, because for one the enlarged heart is a normal thing because of my size. And that would go down once I loose the weight I need to. But I needed to see a cardiologist to get a note from him to say it was ok to have surgery. He said the anethesiologist would not touch me without one. He also said that 99% of the time its nothing to worry about. Sometimes these tests just come out this way. So better be safe then sorry. Now I know this is for the best, and I want to make sure everything that needs to be done will be done. But...I am not a patient person. I try to be, but sometimes when I want something really bad I get frustrated. Now I need to call a cardiologist today and hopefully I can get in really soon. I am going to beg, really beg to get in as soon as possible. I need to get this surgery done so I can start to lose weight so I can feel better. Which is sort of a catch-22 as it is. I have bad knees so it makes it hard for me to exercise, if I have this surgery I will lose weight and be able to exercise which would help my knees. I can't have this surgery without the ok from a cardiologiest because of the abnormal test which is more than likely due to my weight because I can't exercise and I know I have a strain on my heart. AHHHHH

I know I am probably stressing more than I need to, which is why I have been tossing and turning. I know I should just relax and things will happen when they need to. But there is that patience thing again. Oh well not much I can do but hurry up and wait. Actually by me putting off the surgery even for another week or so will work out best for all anyway as far as my daughter being here to help me. So I should just look at it that way. And by putting it off another week or so I will be able to eat my mothers delicious Easter dinner. So Patience Sue, Patience.

The best for last??

Whoever said "Save the best for last" was sure as heck not talking about having bloodwork done. I had the last of my preliminary testing done this morning. I had all my lab work done. Which was bloodwork. First of all you play the hurry up and wait game. Then you get in and you see all the vials that they want to fill for each test. WOW I didn't think they could take that much out of me and still have some left. Well for one I don't do well with this type of testing anyway. It does not bother me to see the sight of blood, no I have the trouble of getting light headed and feel like passing out. Well yep got both of those plus the sick to the stomach thing. I had to be stuck 3 different time. First time vein collapsed after only 2 1/2 vials about the size of my middle finger. No pun intended. So had to be stuck again. The nurse tried it on top of my hand because I had a good vein she said. Well that one didn't work, she kept trying and only succeeded in blowing the vein so I had a huge bubble on top of my hand. By this time I informed the nurse I was getting hot, sick to my stomach and all around not feeling right. She quickly got me some water, a cold wash cloth and called another nurse in just as I was starting to slip from the chair. I didn't completly pass out, but came very close. I kept the cold cloth on my head while the new nurse found a new vein on my other arm. This one worked and it went quickly. She filled the other 7 vials in a very short time. So must have been a very good vein. And actually that is the only spot that didn't bruise on me. My right arm looks like I have been in a fight. Top of my hand is still swollen.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. These things happen, but I can honestly say I am glad that this part is all over. Went to my last class yesterday. We discussed more in depth of what to expect in the hospital after surgery and the days following. What things we need to buy at the store ahead of time so they are there when we get home. I have my list started of what I want and need to buy. I still need to clean out my cupboards and throw some things away and give some things to my daughter to have at her house. I will probably go from 4 shelves of groceries in the pantry down to maybe one shelf. But hey look at all the storage room I am going to gain. I can deal with that. Maybe get my life and kitchen more organized during the process. So all in all a good thing.

I almost feel like the countdown is beginning. Which I am looking forward to. I am not a very patient person when it comes to things dealing with myself. I know there are a lot of things that need to be done before surgery so if anything I am learning patience. I go to the doctor next wed the 28th so I hopefully will have a surgery date by time I leave his office. I am excited and not necessarily looking forward to surgery, but the end result will be a whole new ME.

Smashed, prodded and pictured

I feel like an old rag doll that a child has been dragging along. I have had my breasts smashed, which in medical terms they call a mammogram. I didn't realize that they could be flattened to about an inch thick. Just doesn't seem possible but yep it sure is. I ended up with so many bruises that it looks like someone beat my chest up. I have had some goop squirted on me and been prodded by this ball thing to look at my insides, which again in medical terms they call an ultrasound. Of course they have to really press down to get an accurate picture but they are pushing on ribs and trying to make them move. Well bone does not give very much. I now am sore and will end up with more bruises. Chest xray was nothing, that was a piece of cake, sugar free of course. Then I had an EKG which in itself is harmless until they remove those sticky pads from your body. If you had any hair in those places you don't now. I still am picking off the sticky residue from it. I took another shower but that didn't seem to help. Oh well must be one of those things that have to just "wear off". I have one more test to be taken and thats all my lab work. So will have to fast for 12hrs prior. Then will get stuck and they will take some of my vital fluid out of my body, and again I will end up with some more bruises. Also will be pretty light headed afterwords. Which always happens.

I have been so tired since all this started. I think it's because I seem to be on the go all the time. I have had someplace to be everyday. My off days are spent running errands, doc appts, and other things. I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 9p, but I did the other night and didn't wake up until 6a when the dog wanted out. After she came in I went back to bed and slept till around 11a and by then it was time to get ready for work. I am yawning all the time. I seem to go from one extreme to another. Either I can't sleep at night or I am always tired. Maybe some day when all this is done I will be somewhat normal. HMMM wonder what that would feel like or what normal is suppose to feel like???

Soups, soups and more soups

Well went to my 3rd class required before I can have my surgery. This one was a continuation of last week about what you can and can't eat. These classes have been very informative. Today we talked about being on the liquid diet when we come home from the hospital and just what we can have. Most everything I will be able to eat/drink will be in a liquid form for about a month or so. We were told we can take soups and put them into a blender and blend the heck out of them so that there are no chunks in it. The teacher was telling us the different things she tried after she had her surgery. All I can say is, its a good think I happen to like soups. Because from the sound of it I am going to be doing that alot. I will have to come up with some varieties of my own. The next step will be pureed foods with the consistancy of baby food. The teacher said if you can take a spoon full and turn it upside down and it doesn't fall off then we have the right consitancy. She lived on lots of mashed potatoes. Well here again, that will work for me because I happen to like mashed potatoes. We were given some recipes of things past patients have tried so we have some sort of idea what to fix. Which is a good thing, takes some of the guess work out of when you have to eat this certain type of food, and then wondering what the heck to fix. From what I understand from all this, looks like soup and potatoes are going to become my best friend LOL

Its getting closer and closer for me to have this surgery. I still am nervous but excited. I have to have a mammogram tomorrow, fri. xray, ekg & ultrasound on tues, last class on thur and then bloodwork on fri. On the 28th I go see the doctor and hopefully he will give me a date for my surgery which I am hoping will be week of the 16th in April. I have to be on clear liquids for 2 weeks prior to surgery. Of course by looking at the calendar this does put me on the clear liquid diet over easter. But thats ok, I can eat jello. I like jello. And drink my protein drinks. It will be just perfect because the end result will all be worth it. I am starting to get this picture of myself in my mind of what I will look like when this is all said and done. I haven't been able to before because I have never been a small adult. The last time I can remember myself being small was when I was in elementary school. So to finally let my mind wrap around all this, I am finally able to see into the future so to speak. And its a great thing. I am excited.

Whats for dinner?

Went to another of the required classes for my surgery this afternoon. This was the 2nd class of 4. This was on what you can and can't have to eat prior to surgery and the days following. It was a very informative class. Looks like I am going to be living on Crystal light, Sugar free Koolaid, Sugar free jello, broth, basically clear liquids. Sounds so exciting, LOL. When they rearrange your stomach so to speak, you will be left with a pouch that will hold approx 1oz at any given time. Now you have to drink lots of fluids and start at least 32oz and work your way up to 64oz a day of water. You also have to drink/eat your broth, jello, etc. Now in my book not sure how that's going to happen. I don't think there is that many awake hours in any given day. But we were told that its a good thing to eat/drink approx every 3hrs. This is truly going to be an interesting journey. BUT I know in the end it will be all worth it. I am really looking forward to seeing what emerges. I get excited, and then start to think "what am I thinking" I do admit I do love food. I love having some chocolate, a nice juicy steak, or just an old fashioned hamburger. And I am sure some day I will be able to have those again but in moderation. I know this is not a cure all but it will be a new healthy way of life. One that I am going to strive towards and make my life a whole lot better and healthier.
I am going to go through my cupboards and remove things that I know I will not be able to eat again or for a very long time. Looks like my daughter will not have to go shopping for some things for a long time because she is going to inherit lots from my cupboard. I am then going to go shopping for the things that I will need to sustain me before and after my surgery. This is going to be an amazing journey.

I decided I needed to write down my feelings through this new journey I am about to take. I have been a heavy person pretty much my whole life. The last time I can remember being skinny was when I was in like 3-4 grade. From there I have kept expanding. I have tried so many things over the years to try to lose, but alas here I am. I have come to the conclusion that I have no will power. Oh I am good while I am dieting, and then one thing happens and I just say oh well I screwed that us so whats the use. Well not anymore. I have made a life changing decision. I am going to have gastric by-pass surgery.
I have been going to meetings, doctor appts, been poked, prodded, thought what the heck am I thinking, etc. You name it and I think I have thought it. I still have more testing and more classes and then the doc appt to tell me when I can have my surgery. I won't lie, I am scared but its a good scared if there is such a thing.
I know this is going to take time and effort. And I have the mind set that I didn't put this weight on overnight and its not going to come off overnight. I know its going to be a rough road, but I will make it. A friend from work said "you are going to be a hot mess when this is all done" and she meant this in a good way. I have many people cheering for me. Which without them I couldn't do this. I think my biggest cheerleader is my best friend for many many years, (I think we figured its been over 35yrs) Deana and I have been through a lot over the years and we have lost touch and then got back in touch, and lost then found... But we have stayed in touch now for a long time, and talk daily. I can say whatever I might be thinking and now I won't be judged, and I will hear the truth from her. I know she has been and will be with me throughout this journey I am heading into.
My daughter Amanda is also a big cheerleader for me. She has been going with me to the appts, asked questions I might not think of. I do not know what I would do without her, and I hope I never have to find out. She has been my rock. We are very close and its been wonderful. She will be the one taking care of me when I get home as I need it. Between her and my granddaughter Morgyn, I know I will be just fine.
I have lots of thoughts running through my head as I have been writing this. I know most of this has been ramblings, but I needed to get it down. The main reason I want to have this surgery is I want to be around to see my children and grandchildren. I don't want to die young and if I don't get this weight off that is exactly what will happen. I want to be able to go into a store and actually be able to buy something off the rack. And actually have something to choose from. Not that I am a big fan of rides at a fair or amusement park, but I want to be able to ride one if I choose. Not have to worry about if I will fit or not. I want to be able to walk more than a little bit and not have to worry about being out of breath or having my knees hurt so bad that I have to sit down before I fall down. I want to be able to go out in the backyard and kick the soccer ball with my granddaughter. These may be trivial things to some people but they mean a lot to me.
This is a new year and a new year for Sue. And my journey will continue. And I look forward to seeing whats at the far end of this journey.