Tis The Season or is it Bah Humbug

Tis the season to be jolly. Falalala. At this moment, bah humbug. While I am normally a happy person. Right now there is so much going on in my life that its hard to stay happy. First off my mother did have her surgery and although we don't know the results of the cancer, she is doing fine. She came through the surgery ok and is recovering at home nicely. I have been going over every day before work to help her then come home and get ready for work then going over after work to help her get ready for bed. Then I come home, do anything I need to do then go to bed then start the next day all over again in the same manner. Every day she is getting stronger and stronger. She goes to the doctor this week and hopefully they will have the test results back and it will be good news. After the surgery the surgeons were very positive that things would be fine. They really felt they caught everything early and this surgery took care of things. I pray that is the case.

Things at work are at an all time low. There is so much crap going on there. Its almost funny to an extent. Anyone that has read our local paper online knows what has been happening. Basically comes down to, we all are going to have our schedules changed and we are going to be doing swing shifts. Ok no big deal right, well to hear some people talk its like DEATH has overcome them. There are a few people who have caused such a ruckus and make it sound like everyone at the center feel the same way. I really want to scream "GROW UP PEOPLE" It will be interesting to see how all this plays out.

I did not go to my doc appt last week because of helping my mom, but I have kept track of my weight loss. On my moms scale I have lost another 6lbs, which brings it up to 124. I just am not sure how close hers is to the doc. Either way I am still losing which is a good thing. I had my granddaughter take a pic of me on Nov 1st. I know by the numbers on the scale and how my clothes fit that I have lost weight. But when I look at my pics or even in the mirror I don't really truly see it. Here is the pics. A really good friend said I should post them so I am. Not sure why, but oh well.

Thanksgiving

The holidays are upon us. I swear once Thanksgiving gets here, you blink and Christmas is the next day. Or at least it seems that way. I am in no way ready for Christmas. There just has been so much going on.
For me this holiday season I have a lot to be thankful for. I have my family. Even though they are not all here with me, they are in my heart. Its been a year since my father passed away (Nov 15th) and it still hits me hard. I miss my father very much. I wish he could see me now. I know he wanted me to lose weight for a variety of reasons. He knew I was going through the process for this weight loss surgery, and I know in my heart that he can see me. I know in my heart that he is proud of me. I just wish I could hear him say it.
I have not seen my grandson since the week after Easter. I have called numerous times but never get a response from his parents. This has been extremely hard and very frustrating. The last I heard is "he has some issues going on and its best we don't get to see him" I honestly have a hard time over this. I just don't understand how this can be my fault and it would be damaging for us to see him. I love my grandson very much and would never do anything to cause him harm. I just have to trust in the Lord that it will all work out. I hope he remembers just how much I love him and miss him.
My mother is having some surgery the end of the month. The doctor did some testing beginning of the month and test results came back that said she has Uterine Cancer. But that they caught it in the very early stages and this surgery should take care of it all. I know that someday I am going to have to deal with not having both my parents around. But I am just not ready yet. I am praying that things go 100% perfect and things will be OK. But I also know it is not in my hands.
I am looking forward to having some turkey. I get really hungry for the taste of it around the time of year and just can't seem to wait. I know I won't be able to eat much. But thats ok. It doesn't take much to fill me up anymore. But I know I am suppose to eat something every couple hours so I intend to do just that. And the food of choice for me will be TURKEY!!!!
I went to the doctor last week and I have now lost a total of 118lbs. I was very happy and the doctor was pleased. He said I am doing great. He stated he would like to see me lose another 100. I have no problem with that and I am striving towards that. He thought it shouldn't be a problem for me to have that accomplished by my year anniversary in May. I am shooting towards that goal.
I need to exercise more then I do. I just have never been one to do that so I am having trouble getting completly motivated. The water exercise class I used to go to at the YMCA has changed the schedule around a little so I need to talk to the instructor and see whats best for me. I enjoyed this type of exercise very much. And once you get started in going it just became easier.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoys the day. Remember all the blessings you have in your life and embrace them. You never know when life will throw you a curve ball. My heart is full of Love for so many people. Love to all.

Procrastinating

I have been procrastinating lately in a lot of areas of my life. Not sure why, just have. Maybe its the weather, its turning colder and I just want to hibernate. Maybe its because so many things have been going on around here. Nah, maybe its just because I was lazy. Oh well who knows. But here I am, going to try and bring this up to date.

I will start from today and work my way backwards. That probably will be easier. I went to my weight loss appt this morning. I have officially lost 108 lbs since my surgery in May, and I have lost a total of 42 in. I am happy, the nurse was happy, and said I am doing great. I will lose more if I do more exercises. Yeah I know I should, but... I plan on getting a more aggressive workout in the very near future. I really need to sit my butt down to my sewing machine and take in my pants again. I only have like 2 pairs that even remotely stay up somewhere around my waist. The rest just fall down as soon as I put them on. I have bought some new tops so I am good to go there. I hate to spend the money on a lot of clothes right now because I know that is going to change next month. So I make due with what I have. I know eventually I will have to break down and buy some new pants.

At work I have changed positions. I am now the shift supervisor. Actually I should say I am again the shift supervisor. I was in that position a few years back and stepped down. But things are different now, different administration, so things should be a whole lot better. I would have been very happy with working day shift, but this will work till I can change shifts. There is some tension at work with some coworkers about this, but oh well, learn to deal with it.

Soccer season is over and so that is one load of my schedule. Although I enjoy going to my granddaughters games, sometimes it gets to be to much. I did make 11 fabric bags out of some really cute soccer material, and even lined them for the seniors on the team for senior night. They really turned out nice and everyone seemed to like them. Now she is talking about wanting to be on a volleyball team at the YMCA. AHHHHH. Will have to wait and see how that works out.

I have been trying to finish up my sewing/craft room, and move my crafts from my bedroom into there. Its a slow process. I have been very diligently going through all the boxes and drawers of stuff that I have and be very picky as to what I keep. I can not believe how much stuff I have. I thought I got rid of a lot when we moved into this house. I guess I replenished my stock. I am wanting to make some earrings for myself and my family. A very good friend of mine made me a pair and they are beautiful. I am now inspired to see what I can come up with.

I am on the Relay for Life team at work, and I am going to make some things for the upcoming event next year in June. I figure if I start now I won't be scambling later. We have to raise money, sell things now and at the event. And no time like the present to start. This will keep me busy and out of trouble for a long time.

I need to start on making some things for Christmas, as it is just around the corner. I can't believe its almost the end of the year. Boy when they say Time Flies, it really does.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I last wrote something on here. Things just have been crazy busy for me this past month. Between work, school starting, soccer practice and games never seems enough time for anything extra. I went to my appt today with the surgical nurse for weigh in and measurements. It's been now 4 months since my surgery and I have lost a total of 96lbs and 38.5 in. I am happy, the nurse was happy, so thats all a good thing. I stopped on the way home to look at some new tops for me. The ones I have are ok, but getting to the point where I am having trouble keeping them on my shoulders. My pants I need to take in again, but I think this will be the last time I will be able to do that. You can ony alter clothes just so much. I am going to have to break down and buy some pants I think. But thats all a good thing. I plan on taking some more updated pictures soon and posting them on here. I just am not sure when. But all in all this was a very good day and I am satisfied.

A long day

This has been a long day. I woke up very early this morning because my back was bothering me, and then the dog wanted out, and then I had to get cleaned up to go to my doctor appt. Got home and my ex inlaws were here visiting and then this evening went to my granddaughters soccer game. I am really tired. I am off tomorrow and plan on being glued to my sewing machine fixing the soccer practice shirts. They are really a mess. I have been working on them for a couple days here and there as I have time, well I plan on getting them done tomorrow. I also got a call from a good friends daughter, and she needs me to hem up her wedding dress. So will be taking care of that. I really don't mind at all, I have a new sewing machine and it works so nicely. So things go a lot smoother now. As far as my doctor appt went today. I lost another 14 lbs in basically 2 wks. So my total is up to 81 lbs. I am happy about that. I have really tried my hardest to get in all the protein I need to each day. I must be doing something right because it seemed to work. My blood work came back and I am low on potassium and iron, so will have to up my vitamin intake for that and make sure I eat some bananas and or orange juice each day. That shouldn't be a problem. Thats minor. My ultra sound on my left ovary came back also and I need to go see my family doctor and he will have to refer me to a gynocologist. So not sure what is going to come of that. I have an appt next tues for that. I don't go back to see the weight loss doctor now until Nov. I am going to start back at the YMCA for the water aerobics class hopefully next week. But first I need to take in my bathing suit, I don't want to be jumping up and down or getting out the pool and lose my bottoms. My daughter thinks I should just go buy another one, but I don't want to just quite yet. Maybe in a couple more months when I have lost more. I need to take in my pants again they are starting to fall down. These are all good things, I am not complaining at all. I struggled for a little bit, but I think I am on the right track now. And I am sure I will struggle again but it will be ok.

A long day

This has been a long day. I woke up very early this morning because my back was bothering me, and then the dog wanted out, and then I had to get cleaned up to go to my doctor appt. Got home and my ex inlaws were here visiting and then this evening went to my granddaughters soccer game. I am really tired. I am off tomorrow and plan on being glued to my sewing machine fixing the soccer practice shirts. They are really a mess. I have been working on them for a couple days here and there as I have time, well I plan on getting them done tomorrow. I also got a call from a good friends daughter, and she needs me to hem up her wedding dress. So will be taking care of that. I really don't mind at all, I have a new sewing machine and it works so nicely. So things go a lot smoother now.

As far as my doctor appt went today. I lost another 14 lbs in basically 2 wks. So my total is up to 81 lbs. I am happy about that. I have really tried my hardest to get in all the protein I need to each day. I must be doing something right because it seemed to work. My blood work came back and I am low on potassium and iron, so will have to up my vitamin intake for that and make sure I eat some bananas and or orange juice each day. That shouldn't be a problem. Thats minor. My ultra sound on my left ovary came back also and I need to go see my family doctor and he will have to refer me to a gynocologist. So not sure what is going to come of that. I have an appt next tues for that. I don't go back to see the weight loss doctor now until Nov. I am going to start back at the YMCA for the water aerobics class hopefully next week. But first I need to take in my bathing suit, I don't want to be jumping up and down or getting out the pool and lose my bottoms. My daughter thinks I should just go buy another one, but I don't want to just quite yet. Maybe in a couple more months when I have lost more. I need to take in my pants again they are starting to fall down. These are all good things, I am not complaining at all. I struggled for a little bit, but I think I am on the right track now. And I am sure I will struggle again but it will be ok.

Hanging in there

It's been awhile since I last wrote. I am now back to work. Doesn't seem like I had even been gone. It was easy to get right back into the routine. I went this past wed. to see the surgical nurse for measurements and get my order for updated blood work. I didn't lose any weight but I lost 5 1/2 more inches. I was very dissapointed about not losing any more weight but the nurse said that its normal from time to time. I hardly eat anything, I am not hungry but I was hoping for some weight loss. I was told that I am not eating enough protein, I am trying so hard. Its very depressing at times. There are days where no matter what I eat, it either comes back up or out. Then I am just worn out for the day. Throwing up is awful, it hurts, and feels like things are coming up from my toes. I have been getting my fluids in at least, so I just need to work on the protein. Protein helps to get your metabolism moving so that you burn off the weight. There are some good things though, my blood pressure has been staying down. Sometimes to low, but its ok. I probably will be off those meds soon. Most of my clothes are very loose, and some I have just given up on and sat them aside to give away. It's interesting to see each day when I get dressed, whats not going to fit anymore. I am going to need to take my pants in again real soon. When my feet quit swelling up then things will be even better. Sometimes I think I am never going to get over that part. I do get a kick out of how loose my skin is though. At times I just chuckle. But its a good chuckle.

I still need to see the doctor on the 14th and I have been really trying very very hard to get my protein in. So hopefully I will have lost some weight by then. He is also suppose to let me know the results of my ultrasound I had on my left ovary. All sorts of thoughts have been running through my head about that. But I will not let myself get carried away about it. Everything will be fine. I am going to keep good thoughts about all this, losing weight and the ultrasound. I have come to far for it all to fall apart.

Back To Work

Well its been 2 months today since I had my surgery. I went to the doctors today and he said I am doing fine and he released me to go back to work, so its back to some sort of normalcy starting tomorrow. I also lost another 4lbs. I was hoping for more, but this will do. Because of the weather and all the humidity we have had lately, I have been retaining water pretty bad. So I am sure that has a lot to do with my weight loss. I can now get back to going to the YMCA and do the water exercise classes, I can start doing some exercises at home more than I have been doing and then things will get moving again. I don't go back to see the doctor again for 5 weeks. Before I go back I have to have more lab work done so that he can make sure that everything is going ok as far as my body is concerned. I am sure things will be fine. Well this was just a small update, and now I am up to 67lbs total.

Healing

I am finally healing!! I went to the doctor again this past Tuesday. The hole in my incision is finally free from infection and is healing nicely. It is getting smaller and smaller which is a good thing. I am feeling better each day, am able to move around a lot better and not quite so nauseated from the infection anymore. I am still eating very little, but so far things are agreeing with me. I still struggle with getting the total amount of fluids and protein that I am suppose to get in a day, but I am working on it. I love vegetables and fruit, but they have very little if any protein in them so...I struggle to find things that are high in protein and get them in daily.

I have lost a total of 63lbs as of Tuesday, and I have been keeping my sewing machine busy taking in the pants that I have so that I don't have to keep pulling them up all the time. I am not even going to bother taking in the shirts I will just keep them till they don't stay on my shoulders anymore and then get rid of them. I was able to go to the store the other day and actually buy some new shirts in a size smaller and it really was a good feeling for me to actually be able to go into a store and buy something right off the rack and it fit!!!! Actually what I bought is a little loose but next size was to small, so this will do for awhile. May be small but its a big accomplishment to me.

I go back to the doctor on July 10th which will be 2 months after my surgery, and if my hole is closed up really good, with a good solid scab on it then I will be released to go back to work. Not that I haven't enjoyed this time off, but it will be good to get back to some sort of normal life again. But I can imagine after a few weeks back I will wish I was still off, but thats normal.

Trip to the Doctors Office

Just a small update. I have had to go to the doctors office now for the past 3 weeks. I had a part of my incision open up and it has been draining the fluid that was left after they took out the drains. Well it got infected, which from what I was told is common. Well I have had to keep it bandaged up, and it has a slight smell to it. The antibiotic that I have been taking is in liquid form and man is it NASTY. I even had it flavored, well that didn't help at all. It tastes like I am chewing on old nasty rubber tires that are grape. Not that I know what a rubber tire taste like but you know the smell they give off, well imagine tasting that, UGH. I already went through one round of this but since I still have a little of the infection left, I need to take it another 4 days.
But on a positive note, I have lost another 5 lbs since last week, so now my total is up to 60lbs that I have lost. I was also measured and I have lost a total of 17in. So I am happy about all that.

Almost a Month

Just a small update. I went to my doctor appt this morning and I have lost another 20lbs. So that brings my total up to 47lbs. I am happy and doing ok. I still have a small issue with part of my incision that has decided to stay open and leak. At times it leaks a lot, and I wake up to a wet bed and wet nightgown. But from what the nurse said this is common and that I have a small pocket of fluid that keeps building up and has to get out, so it comes out this hole. She drained a lot of it this morning in the office, and I am suppose to massage my stomach a few times a week during my shower. This will break up this pocket and hopefully will begin to heal. I get sort of queazy when this does leak a lot and today was no different. But this is just another little hurdle in my strive to lose weight. I am feeling better and better each day. Yes I still have good/bad days but there are more good days now. I will really be happy when I will actually get to sleep all night in my bed. I still am having trouble sleeping, but that is getting better. I just get up in the middle of the night and go sit in the chair in the living room and cover up and go back to sleep. I am going to see about getting my dads recliner over here and this way I can sit but yet keep my feet up when I sleep. This will help tremendously with my feet swelling. This journey is going full speed ahead. I am doing good and I am happy. Each day brings something new as far as my body is concerned. So I just keep plugging along.

20 days out

Its been 20 days today since I had my surgery. I am feeling pretty good but still slow going at times. I am not a patient person, so I keep thinking I should be further along then I am. But then I actually stop and think a minute and go wait, it hasn't been that long since I had surgery. And actually I had 2 surgeries in one, so I am healing from 2 seperate things. Both of which have troubles of their own. I am not in any pain anymore which is a wonderful relief. I am very slow at eating. It seems to take forever, which is a good thing. I am eating pureed foods right now. I am not eating as much as I am suppose to because I just can't. A month ago I would never have imagined that eating like 1/2 c of mashed potatoes would take 45 min to finish. Or making a scrambled egg using only 1 egg and actually being full. Sometimes its hard to wrap my mind around it all. But for ever how it works, it works for me. Sure is going to save on the grocery bill that is for sure. A friend of mine called the other day and was asking me how things were going and I told her. She laughed at the amount of food I eat and how long it takes. And then said I sure would be a cheap date. I lauged at that and actually that is a true statement. Each day when I put clothes on, it fits a little differently. Things that once were tight are now loose. My stomach is still a little swollen, which I am sure takes time, but it is down from what it was. People ask me if I feel like I have lost weight and actually I don't really. I know I have because I can tell by the number on the scale, and I can tell by the way my clothes fit, but I probably won't be able to really tell until I actually go out and buy something new in a much smaller size. This will all take time, and I have to realistically give myself that time. I need to just let nature takes its course and quit trying to put things on my time schedule intead of what will come when it needs to. It will all be worth it in the end.

I am on my WAY!!!

I went to my first doctor appt after having this surgery. I am doing great. I had my staples, all 35 of them removed and my drain pulled out. I feel so much better just having those things gone. I also was weighed and I have lost 19lbs since I left the hospital on May 14th. I have lost a total of 27lbs since I started my liquid diet before my surgery. So I am happy with that. I am retaining water, which is normal for me, and I still lost weight. The more weight I lose the better it will get for me as far as retaining water. Hopefully I will be able to get off these water pills. My B/P is great, right where it should be. And hopefully in the near future I will be able to get off those meds as well. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday after I took my shower and I was combing my hair. And I really had to take another look because my face looked so thin and long. I asked my daughter if I was seeing things and she said NO, and that she had noticed this also. SO...things are on there way to a whole new me. I don't feel like I have lost anything because I still feel so bloated, but I know I have by the way my clothes fit or rather don't fit. I kept pulling up my pants all day, and kept stepping on the back of them as I walked. Looks like my sewing machine will get a workout soon.

I wish you could see the smile on my face. I am happy. I know its not a huge jump, but for me its a major accomplishment. I am looking forward to the next step.

Surgery update

Hello everyone, since I am writing its obvious I made it through my surgery. I have to be honest if someone would have told me the intense pain I would be in, I am not sure I would have had this done. But of course I also had my gall bladder removed and so I had double the pain. And boy was there pain. But I made it through it. I have about a 10in scare running down my stomach from below my breasts almost to my belly button. I am stapled shut, I still have a drain attached to me, which will be removed next tues. One was removed this morning in the hospital. That was something having that removed. I am bruised everywhere I had an IV in or where they took blood. I know all this will heal. Its just going to take time. I knew I wouldn't be eating much but I never realized just how little that is. A sample meal was 4oz of Tea, 4oz broth and 1/2 c sugar free jello. I was lucky to eat half of what I got and that took me close to an hour.

I am glad that, that part is over. Now I can get on with the rest of my life. I need to heal, and move around. It was nice today to be home and then the ride home wore me out, and I took a nap in my own bed. Oh that felt so good. I can only lay on my back for the moment which will suck, but it will get better. I am all swollen from all the IV fluids I was given, and the gas that is still in my stomach from the anethesia. I still have trouble getting up and down from the chair, bed, that sort of thing. But time heals. I will keep things updated as they happen.

Less than 24hrs to go

Well as I sit here making my list for what I need to remember to take with me to the hospital, it hits me that in less then 24hrs I will have had my surgery. My emotions are all over the place. I am excited, I am scared, I am indifferent, I am wondering if I am crazy for doing this and a hundred more I won't bore anyone with. But I do know that I am doing the right thing. I have tried over the years so many things to lose weight but nothing seems to work, or does work but not for very long. I need to do this so that I can live to see my kids and grandkids grow up. I know its not going to be an easy road for awhile. And of course every commercial on tv these last few days has had food items that I love to eat. Right now I could really go for a big juicy steak, a plate of french fries and a large shake. I won't but doesn't stop me from wanting it. I have been doing very well on my liquid diet these last few weeks. I have not eaten anything I was not suppose to, which tells me that I know I will be able to follow what lies ahead. I know there are going to be good and bad days, but I know in the end it will all be worth it. I have very good support between my family and friends. And I know I am going to need them in the days ahead.

I still can not envision myself as a smaller adult. I won't say skinny because I know that won't be the case. But I will be at a healthy weight for me. I will be able to go into a store and actually buy things right off the rack instead of ordering from a catalog and hoping that they have big enough sizes and that things will fit ok. I have already sort of picked out the first outfit I want when I lose enough weight. I am looking forward to actually wearing capri's, jeans, and maybe even shorts. Who knows what will be in store for me. But I am looking forward to seeing.

I know this may be morbid, but if something should happen to me during surgery, which is always a risk for anyone. I want everyone to know how much you mean to me. I really do not have any regrets. Oh sure there are some things that I am not proud of or wish that didn't happen, but everything I have gone through makes me who I am. Thank you for everything that you have done or said. It really means a lot to me.

I will write about my experience when I get home and am able to sit at the computer. I hope to have some new pictures as they come available to show my progress. I hate my picture taken so this will be a whole new experience. See everyone in about 5 days.

One more week

I have one more week till I have my surgery. I have been doing really good on sticking with the liquid diet. I am not hungry, I have to remind myself to eat what little I can have. But habits are hard to break. I will see something especially at work and think oh that would taste good, but NO I tell myself can't have it. Been very good and have not had anything I am not suppose to.

I went to see the surgical nurse the beginning of the week and got all my instructions before surgery. She also took my picture and measurements so they can keep track. I was also given this device where I am suppose to suck in the air and see how high I can the gauge to go. This will help for after surgery so that I don't get pneumonia. I also don't have to wear that heart monitor anymore. I put it all in the envelope and mail it back tomorrow. Whoo Whoo. Glad to get rid of that.

I am still nervous, not about having this surgery but just having surgery in general. Which is normal I think. I know this next week is going to go by fast. Which is ok with me.

New year, New Sue!!!!

2 weeks and counting

Well I have my surgery scheduled for May 10th. They didn't give me a time yet but I am sure I will find that out when I see the surgical nurse on the 30th to go over any last minute details and go over what meds I take. I start on my liquid diet on the 26th. I went to the store over the weekend to get the things I will be needing to eat before surgery and afterwards. I think I am ready with the things I need.

I am nervous and excited all at the same time. This is definitely a test on my patience. But I know things will be just fine. And I am looking forward to what this year is going to bring. I plan on keeping up with the posts as things progress. Maybe even add a picture or two. Time will tell. But I will keep things up to date the best I can.

I am CLEARED for surgery!!!!!

This has been a hectic last couple of weeks. Not knowing what was going to happen next. And all this sitting around and waiting has been driving me totally batty. But I went to the Heart specialist this morning in South Bend and he looked over all my testing I have had done and asked me a lot of questions. But in the end said I am cleared for surgery. Since I have no symptoms that are normal for what happened to me and I am feeling fine and have been feeling fine. There is no reason I can't have this surgery. Because for one losing this weight will help the irregular heart beat. So now I just have to get it scheduled and then go from there. I can go back to work. I can go back to the YMCA for water aerobics and get back to my normal life. If I get tired, out of breath then take it easy. Just be aware of what my body is telling me. I still have to wear this heart monitor till the 3rd of May. But that will also show how well the new B/P meds are doing.

I am so relieved now that I can get on with my life and my plans. I already called work and I have plenty of time to take off for surgery even after using some of it this past week so thats a good thing. So now I know I am cleared from head to toe. I know my health is good, I can lose the weight and then get on with my life. This is such a burden lifted from me. I can't even explain how it feels.

Life Takes Many Turns

Life takes many turns, and mine has taken so many I lost count. I feel fine but I still am not cleared to have my weight loss surgery. I went to see the cardiologist friday morning for a checkup after being in the hospital. He said I am healing very nicely from the catherization. Which is a good thing. Still need to take it easy though as it still is an invasive procedure to your body. And there are times when I can tell I have overdone it a little because my upper leg will ache. So I just lay down and take a little nap. Everyone needs a nap now and then. I still have to wear the heart monitor, and I still record as I am suppose to and call it in. And yes tell them I am feeling fine and have no symtoms. I have to go see another heart doctor but in South Bend this time. Dr.Powers said he is just the plumbing person, now I need to go see an electriction for my heart. He said he can not release me to go back to work or for surgery until they find out why I have this extra beat. I know this is for the best, but...hurry up and wait. I won't be able to see this new doctor until sometime next week or early the following week. From what I was told I will have an appt to talk to the doctor and he would have already looked at everything I have had done so far and be able to tell me if I need more tests or in his opinion things are ok. If I have to have another procedure to see whats going on, I guess its where they put a wire right into my heart and make it do things so they can tell how its firing so to speak. Sounds very scary but I looked it up and from what I read its nothing major. Time will tell. And it does make me wonder just how at risk am I. Am I just a time bomb waiting to happen? When I ask about work, I said I could just sit and run the control room, which really is just answering phone, opening doors on the computer and some paperwork. He said no. So what exactly can I do, because to me the control room is not hard. Maybe its the stress at work, I don't know. At this point I don't know much.

I know this is for the best. I know I need to find out everything that is going on with my body. I know I need more work on my patience. I am stressed, I am a little worried, I am concerned. I don't want to use up all my off time finding out if I can be cleared for surgery because then I won't have any to use for the surgery. I can only imagine how much of a bill I am running up after the insurance pays. Its all a vicious circle.

Stress Test = Freak out nurses=Hospital stay

What all started out as a normal busy sat morning turned into a bad day. I had to go on sat 3-31-07 for a stress test. This was due to having an abnormal ekg. So had to have this stress test to have clearance for my upcoming weight loss surgery. Well took the test, did fine, they inject you with this nuclear dye of some sort during the test when your heart gets to a certain rate. This dye is used so when they take the nuclear xrays of your heart they can see what is going on. Well I was finished with the test, sitting on the bed waiting to have my b/p taken as is part of the test, and next thing you know the 2 nurses came rushing at me, asking if I am ok, trying to make me lie down, asking if I am having chest pains, etc. Well I am like, what the heck, I feel fine, and no not having any pains, not even out of breath from test. Whats the problem. Well I glance over one of the nurses shoulder at the monitor I am hooked up to and man were those lines all over the place. They were literally from top to bottom of screen. I guess according to the machine I was in VTach, and from what I was told that means I was having a heart attack. Well I sure as heck didn't feel like I was. I felt fine. Nothing different then any other day. Well they paged the doctor to come back stat. He came rushing in, looked at print out and asked me same questions as nurses did. I told him I felt fine, nothing different. He kept asking me more questions but in a different way, and still my answer was no I feel fine and I did. The doctor next told me well we are going to admit you. I was like NO I have to be at work at 2p. He told me not today you're not. Next thing you know I am being admitted to the hosp in CCU. Now you know my mind had to be going a mile a minute at that point, wondering what the heck. Well I had the nuclear xrays as planned, was put in CCU, hooked up to all sorts of things, given one of those lovely backless gowns and told to lay down and relax. RELAX??? You're kidding right? How can anyone relax when everyone and their brother are in there asking you the same questions, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? DO YOU HAVE ANY CHEST PAINS, SHORTNESS OF BREATH, ETC? They take my b/p and its 199/99, and they say that's way to high, well of course it is, I am freaking out at about this time. Do you possibly think that, that might be the reason????

I have all sorts of test run, bloodwork, ultrasounds, chest xrays. Everything comes back normal. If I would have had a heart attack the enzymes in the bloodwork would have have shown up, but nope all tests came back negative. Can't find anything wrong that way. So next step according to the doctor is to have a cardiac catherization done, but since its the weekend it will have to wait till mon. Well I am really worried now. According to the doctor if they find something during this procedure they will take you into surgery and possibly put in stints in my heart valves, or possibly have heart surgery. Now you know where my b/p was at this point, yep up again. I am scared, worried, panic, cry, upset and anything else you can imagine. I ask question after question to anyone that might be able to give me an answer. If everything is all right so far, and I have good pulses couldn't it just be something that can possibly be taken care of with meds, well I get told they don't know until they get in and find out whats going on. AHHHHHHH

I get all prepped on mon morning. I have not had anything to eat or drink since midnight. I am waiting, the nurse comes in hooks up the IV, then like 10 min later another nurse comes in and says that the procedure will have to be done tomorrow on tues. Something about not enough time on the schedule. So another day to wait and worry. Out comes the IV and I get to have something to drink and eat. I finally have the procedure done on tue, it was scheduled for 10a but again put off till somewhere between noon and 2p because of an emergency that came in. I finally went down around 1p,I was scared to death. But everyone was so nice and so comforting, and actually the procedure is ok. It didn't hurt, didn't feel anything, was awake the whole time. The whole thing took 30 min from time they started to prep me to when I got in the recovery room. And doctor came in and said I have nothing wrong with my heart, its in great shape, no blockage, nothing. I just happen to have an extra beat in there that could have been there my whole life. So back to my room in CCU. I have to lay with my right leg perfectly still for about 4 hrs. Now that is a feat in itself. Those hospital beds are the most uncomfortable things you can imagine. But I managed to do it, not sure how but I did. They still are monitoring me, but I am a lot more relaxed now that its all over.

I get to come home day after the procedure which I am happy about. The nurse comes in and gives me my discharge instructions, no driving, wash incision site, what to look for at the site, what I can and can't do, go see the doc in x amt of days. Then she tells me I am going home with a portable heart monitor. I get this look on my face and ask her WHY? She said doc ordered it, because I they still need to know about this extra beat. AHHHHHH again. I am showed how to use it, I have to record my heart rhythm 3x then call it in, reset it, and then do this 3 more times. Well I get home, get out of my clothes, put on my own pjs and rest. Actual rest. I feel great. I call in my first round of rhythms, they ask me how I am feeling, I tell them fine, they ask me was I having any pains and that is why I recorded, I tell them no, I was just told to periodically record throughout the day so that I can have 3 recordings to call in. They then ask me why I am wearing this, I tell them that is the $1,000,000 question. The woman just chuckles and says go ahead and send it. I do and then tell her I will talk to her again, she laughs and says no problem.

So throughout all this worrisome few days, the question that keeps running through my mind is, Couldn't it be a big possibility that I was just had an allergic reaction to the nuclear dye they shot into me during the stress test? I did ask and the response I got was, "well we have never had anyone have one before" hmmm well couldn't I just be the first? Who knows. I am home for a few days from work, will try and get some much needed rest that I didn't get in hospital. Get some reading done, and just heal. I am bruised all over from all the tests that were taken and all the shots I was given, so those will all need to heal. But I did come out of this ok. It shows that except for my weight I am healthy. So that is all a good thing. So a clean bill of health is a good thing. And just now have to wait for the next part of this journey into my losing the much needed weight. And being the New Sue in 2007!!!!!!

I Must learn Patience

Well its 4:08am and I have tossed and turned since around midnight. I have so much on my mind. I went to my appt. Wed afternoon. First of all my appt. was for 3:30p but I didn't get into the room till 5p then waited for doc to come in which was around 5:30p. I should have known then that things would not go as I had hoped. The doc gave me all my test results. He said everything looked wonderful except for my EKG came back with abnormalities, and my chest xray showed an enlarged heart. Now he said not to panic, because for one the enlarged heart is a normal thing because of my size. And that would go down once I loose the weight I need to. But I needed to see a cardiologist to get a note from him to say it was ok to have surgery. He said the anethesiologist would not touch me without one. He also said that 99% of the time its nothing to worry about. Sometimes these tests just come out this way. So better be safe then sorry. Now I know this is for the best, and I want to make sure everything that needs to be done will be done. But...I am not a patient person. I try to be, but sometimes when I want something really bad I get frustrated. Now I need to call a cardiologist today and hopefully I can get in really soon. I am going to beg, really beg to get in as soon as possible. I need to get this surgery done so I can start to lose weight so I can feel better. Which is sort of a catch-22 as it is. I have bad knees so it makes it hard for me to exercise, if I have this surgery I will lose weight and be able to exercise which would help my knees. I can't have this surgery without the ok from a cardiologiest because of the abnormal test which is more than likely due to my weight because I can't exercise and I know I have a strain on my heart. AHHHHH

I know I am probably stressing more than I need to, which is why I have been tossing and turning. I know I should just relax and things will happen when they need to. But there is that patience thing again. Oh well not much I can do but hurry up and wait. Actually by me putting off the surgery even for another week or so will work out best for all anyway as far as my daughter being here to help me. So I should just look at it that way. And by putting it off another week or so I will be able to eat my mothers delicious Easter dinner. So Patience Sue, Patience.

The best for last??

Whoever said "Save the best for last" was sure as heck not talking about having bloodwork done. I had the last of my preliminary testing done this morning. I had all my lab work done. Which was bloodwork. First of all you play the hurry up and wait game. Then you get in and you see all the vials that they want to fill for each test. WOW I didn't think they could take that much out of me and still have some left. Well for one I don't do well with this type of testing anyway. It does not bother me to see the sight of blood, no I have the trouble of getting light headed and feel like passing out. Well yep got both of those plus the sick to the stomach thing. I had to be stuck 3 different time. First time vein collapsed after only 2 1/2 vials about the size of my middle finger. No pun intended. So had to be stuck again. The nurse tried it on top of my hand because I had a good vein she said. Well that one didn't work, she kept trying and only succeeded in blowing the vein so I had a huge bubble on top of my hand. By this time I informed the nurse I was getting hot, sick to my stomach and all around not feeling right. She quickly got me some water, a cold wash cloth and called another nurse in just as I was starting to slip from the chair. I didn't completly pass out, but came very close. I kept the cold cloth on my head while the new nurse found a new vein on my other arm. This one worked and it went quickly. She filled the other 7 vials in a very short time. So must have been a very good vein. And actually that is the only spot that didn't bruise on me. My right arm looks like I have been in a fight. Top of my hand is still swollen.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining. These things happen, but I can honestly say I am glad that this part is all over. Went to my last class yesterday. We discussed more in depth of what to expect in the hospital after surgery and the days following. What things we need to buy at the store ahead of time so they are there when we get home. I have my list started of what I want and need to buy. I still need to clean out my cupboards and throw some things away and give some things to my daughter to have at her house. I will probably go from 4 shelves of groceries in the pantry down to maybe one shelf. But hey look at all the storage room I am going to gain. I can deal with that. Maybe get my life and kitchen more organized during the process. So all in all a good thing.

I almost feel like the countdown is beginning. Which I am looking forward to. I am not a very patient person when it comes to things dealing with myself. I know there are a lot of things that need to be done before surgery so if anything I am learning patience. I go to the doctor next wed the 28th so I hopefully will have a surgery date by time I leave his office. I am excited and not necessarily looking forward to surgery, but the end result will be a whole new ME.

Smashed, prodded and pictured

I feel like an old rag doll that a child has been dragging along. I have had my breasts smashed, which in medical terms they call a mammogram. I didn't realize that they could be flattened to about an inch thick. Just doesn't seem possible but yep it sure is. I ended up with so many bruises that it looks like someone beat my chest up. I have had some goop squirted on me and been prodded by this ball thing to look at my insides, which again in medical terms they call an ultrasound. Of course they have to really press down to get an accurate picture but they are pushing on ribs and trying to make them move. Well bone does not give very much. I now am sore and will end up with more bruises. Chest xray was nothing, that was a piece of cake, sugar free of course. Then I had an EKG which in itself is harmless until they remove those sticky pads from your body. If you had any hair in those places you don't now. I still am picking off the sticky residue from it. I took another shower but that didn't seem to help. Oh well must be one of those things that have to just "wear off". I have one more test to be taken and thats all my lab work. So will have to fast for 12hrs prior. Then will get stuck and they will take some of my vital fluid out of my body, and again I will end up with some more bruises. Also will be pretty light headed afterwords. Which always happens.

I have been so tired since all this started. I think it's because I seem to be on the go all the time. I have had someplace to be everyday. My off days are spent running errands, doc appts, and other things. I can't remember the last time I went to bed before 9p, but I did the other night and didn't wake up until 6a when the dog wanted out. After she came in I went back to bed and slept till around 11a and by then it was time to get ready for work. I am yawning all the time. I seem to go from one extreme to another. Either I can't sleep at night or I am always tired. Maybe some day when all this is done I will be somewhat normal. HMMM wonder what that would feel like or what normal is suppose to feel like???

Soups, soups and more soups

Well went to my 3rd class required before I can have my surgery. This one was a continuation of last week about what you can and can't eat. These classes have been very informative. Today we talked about being on the liquid diet when we come home from the hospital and just what we can have. Most everything I will be able to eat/drink will be in a liquid form for about a month or so. We were told we can take soups and put them into a blender and blend the heck out of them so that there are no chunks in it. The teacher was telling us the different things she tried after she had her surgery. All I can say is, its a good think I happen to like soups. Because from the sound of it I am going to be doing that alot. I will have to come up with some varieties of my own. The next step will be pureed foods with the consistancy of baby food. The teacher said if you can take a spoon full and turn it upside down and it doesn't fall off then we have the right consitancy. She lived on lots of mashed potatoes. Well here again, that will work for me because I happen to like mashed potatoes. We were given some recipes of things past patients have tried so we have some sort of idea what to fix. Which is a good thing, takes some of the guess work out of when you have to eat this certain type of food, and then wondering what the heck to fix. From what I understand from all this, looks like soup and potatoes are going to become my best friend LOL

Its getting closer and closer for me to have this surgery. I still am nervous but excited. I have to have a mammogram tomorrow, fri. xray, ekg & ultrasound on tues, last class on thur and then bloodwork on fri. On the 28th I go see the doctor and hopefully he will give me a date for my surgery which I am hoping will be week of the 16th in April. I have to be on clear liquids for 2 weeks prior to surgery. Of course by looking at the calendar this does put me on the clear liquid diet over easter. But thats ok, I can eat jello. I like jello. And drink my protein drinks. It will be just perfect because the end result will all be worth it. I am starting to get this picture of myself in my mind of what I will look like when this is all said and done. I haven't been able to before because I have never been a small adult. The last time I can remember myself being small was when I was in elementary school. So to finally let my mind wrap around all this, I am finally able to see into the future so to speak. And its a great thing. I am excited.

Whats for dinner?

Went to another of the required classes for my surgery this afternoon. This was the 2nd class of 4. This was on what you can and can't have to eat prior to surgery and the days following. It was a very informative class. Looks like I am going to be living on Crystal light, Sugar free Koolaid, Sugar free jello, broth, basically clear liquids. Sounds so exciting, LOL. When they rearrange your stomach so to speak, you will be left with a pouch that will hold approx 1oz at any given time. Now you have to drink lots of fluids and start at least 32oz and work your way up to 64oz a day of water. You also have to drink/eat your broth, jello, etc. Now in my book not sure how that's going to happen. I don't think there is that many awake hours in any given day. But we were told that its a good thing to eat/drink approx every 3hrs. This is truly going to be an interesting journey. BUT I know in the end it will be all worth it. I am really looking forward to seeing what emerges. I get excited, and then start to think "what am I thinking" I do admit I do love food. I love having some chocolate, a nice juicy steak, or just an old fashioned hamburger. And I am sure some day I will be able to have those again but in moderation. I know this is not a cure all but it will be a new healthy way of life. One that I am going to strive towards and make my life a whole lot better and healthier.
I am going to go through my cupboards and remove things that I know I will not be able to eat again or for a very long time. Looks like my daughter will not have to go shopping for some things for a long time because she is going to inherit lots from my cupboard. I am then going to go shopping for the things that I will need to sustain me before and after my surgery. This is going to be an amazing journey.

I decided I needed to write down my feelings through this new journey I am about to take. I have been a heavy person pretty much my whole life. The last time I can remember being skinny was when I was in like 3-4 grade. From there I have kept expanding. I have tried so many things over the years to try to lose, but alas here I am. I have come to the conclusion that I have no will power. Oh I am good while I am dieting, and then one thing happens and I just say oh well I screwed that us so whats the use. Well not anymore. I have made a life changing decision. I am going to have gastric by-pass surgery.
I have been going to meetings, doctor appts, been poked, prodded, thought what the heck am I thinking, etc. You name it and I think I have thought it. I still have more testing and more classes and then the doc appt to tell me when I can have my surgery. I won't lie, I am scared but its a good scared if there is such a thing.
I know this is going to take time and effort. And I have the mind set that I didn't put this weight on overnight and its not going to come off overnight. I know its going to be a rough road, but I will make it. A friend from work said "you are going to be a hot mess when this is all done" and she meant this in a good way. I have many people cheering for me. Which without them I couldn't do this. I think my biggest cheerleader is my best friend for many many years, (I think we figured its been over 35yrs) Deana and I have been through a lot over the years and we have lost touch and then got back in touch, and lost then found... But we have stayed in touch now for a long time, and talk daily. I can say whatever I might be thinking and now I won't be judged, and I will hear the truth from her. I know she has been and will be with me throughout this journey I am heading into.
My daughter Amanda is also a big cheerleader for me. She has been going with me to the appts, asked questions I might not think of. I do not know what I would do without her, and I hope I never have to find out. She has been my rock. We are very close and its been wonderful. She will be the one taking care of me when I get home as I need it. Between her and my granddaughter Morgyn, I know I will be just fine.
I have lots of thoughts running through my head as I have been writing this. I know most of this has been ramblings, but I needed to get it down. The main reason I want to have this surgery is I want to be around to see my children and grandchildren. I don't want to die young and if I don't get this weight off that is exactly what will happen. I want to be able to go into a store and actually be able to buy something off the rack. And actually have something to choose from. Not that I am a big fan of rides at a fair or amusement park, but I want to be able to ride one if I choose. Not have to worry about if I will fit or not. I want to be able to walk more than a little bit and not have to worry about being out of breath or having my knees hurt so bad that I have to sit down before I fall down. I want to be able to go out in the backyard and kick the soccer ball with my granddaughter. These may be trivial things to some people but they mean a lot to me.
This is a new year and a new year for Sue. And my journey will continue. And I look forward to seeing whats at the far end of this journey.